How Javert Stole Christmiz
by hollybridgetpeppermint
Summary: A parody of Dr. Seuss' classic, featuring Javert in a Santa suit  as the Grinch, Valjean as a Who, Cosette as Cindy-Lou Who, and Gavroche as Max. "Why, for twenty-five years I've put up with it now! I MUST catch this dangerous convict! ...But HOW?"


**A/N: Hey, guys! So...uh...I know it's technically AFTER Christmas, but I sorta got stuck on this a few days back, and then I didn't have as much writing time as I thought I would (I spent like FIVE HOURS wrapping presents on Christmas Eve...well, maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration, but...not TOO much of one, I think...). I also posted this on Abaissé yesterday, but, upon trying to post it here, I discovered that my stupid computer wouldn't let me onto the site!**

**Anywho...I admit that some suspension of disbelief is required for this, but I'm hoping it's not enough to spoil the experience. I also want to apologize to Dr. Seuss for appropriating his fantastically fun story/poem and using it for my own purposes.**

**That's right, folks! I HAVE, in fact, succeeded in writing Javert in a Santa Claus suit! I am now happy to present to you...**

**"How Javert Stole Christmiz" - an unashamedly silly parody of "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" by the fantabulous Dr. Seuss!**

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><p><strong>Disclaimer:<strong>

**Well, I don't own the Grinch or Valjean or Javert,**  
><strong>And I don't own Gavroche or Cosette (or Combeferre,<strong>  
><strong>Though he's not in this fanfic, so that doesn't matter…<strong>  
><strong>But now I should stop with this idle chit-chatter).<strong>  
><strong>In any case, all of these things I disclaim,<strong>  
><strong>So, if you should sue me, I'll give you the blame.<strong>

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><p><em><strong>How Javert Stole Christmiz<strong>_

All the people in France liked Monsieur Jean Valjean,  
>But Inspector Javert knew that he was a con.<p>

Javert _hated_ him, though Valjean had repented.  
>Don't ask Javert why, for his logic's demented.<br>The real cause could be that his brain had a glitch,  
>Or maybe his thick sideburns gave him an itch.<br>But I think that the most likely reason of all  
>May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.<p>

But,  
>Whatever the reason,<br>His heart or his hair,  
>He stood, his face set in a resolute stare,<br>On a cold Christmas Eve, looking up at the stars  
>As he pondered on putting Valjean behind bars<br>For breaking parole and evading police.  
>Until he was captured, the hunt would not cease.<p>

"And he talks about mercy!" he snarled with a sneer.  
>"It's justice that needs to be satisfied, here."<br>Then he growled, with a look that was really quite grim,  
>"I MUST find a way to incarcerate him!"*<p>

For, tomorrow, he'd wake, to the clock's early chimes,  
>With Valjean on his mind, as he'd done many times.<br>That man and his crimes! Oh, his crimes, crimes, crimes, crimes!  
>That's <em>one<em> thing he hated! Those CRIMES! CRIMES! CRIMES! CRIMES!

And, while he was reflecting, his temper in shreds,  
>Valjean would be sleeping, all snug in his bed.<br>Then Javert would end up with an ache in his head,  
>While Valjean, he supposed, stole his holiday bread.<p>

And what happened then, Javert liked not at all!  
>Every beggar in Paris, the tall and the small<br>Would crowd 'round Valjean, with their hands all aquiver.  
>They'd ask him for coin! And the con would deliver!<p>

They'd plead! _And they'd plead!  
><em>And they'd PLEAD! PLEAD! PLEAD! PLEAD!  
>And the more Javert saw Valjean's seeming 'good deed',<br>The more Javert thought, "This is meant to mislead!  
>Why, for twenty-five years I've put up with it now!<br>I MUST catch this dangerous convict!  
>…<em>But HOW?<em>"

Then he got an idea!  
>An <em>awful<em> idea!  
>JAVERT<br>GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know _just_ what to do!" Javert laughed in his throat,  
>And he made a quick Santy Claus hat and a coat.<br>And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great, cunning trick!  
>With this coat and this hat, I'll look just like Saint Nick!<p>

"Now, to find the sly convict…"  
>Javert looked around.<br>But the criminal's house was nowhere to be found.  
>Did that stop old Javert…?<br>No! The man simply said,  
>"This <em>gamin<em> surely knows! I'll make him pull my sled."  
>So he grabbed young Gavroche. Then he took some red thread<br>And he tied a big horn on the top of his head.

THEN  
>He loaded some ropes<br>On a cart, and he smiled,  
>"Lead me on to Valjean,"<br>As he hitched up the child.

Then he added, "Giddyap!"  
>And the cart rolled away<br>Towards the home where Valjean  
>And his little girl lay.<p>

All the windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.  
>And the convict was dreaming sweet dreams without care<br>When Javert reached the devious criminal's lair.  
>"'Ey, monsieur! That's our stop!" was the whisper he heard,<br>So he climbed to the roof without saying a word.

Then he slid down the chimney—a trying affair,  
>But if Santa could do it, then so could Javert.<br>He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.  
>Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue<br>Where two little red stockings were hung side by side,  
>And he searched them for clues, but found nothing inside.<p>

Then he slithered and slunk 'round the room for a time  
>As he hunted for evidence, traces of crime:<br>Maybe a safe full of ill-gotten gains,  
>Unlawful weapons, or human remains.<br>But although he looked into each cranny and nook,  
>Javert found no proof that Valjean was a crook.<p>

So he slunk to the kitchen to look there, instead,  
>For signs that the convict had pilfered some bread.<br>He went through that kitchen with painstaking care,  
>But failed to find even a tiny clue there.<p>

"All right! I surrender!" he finally hissed.  
>"But NOW! The thief's capture is next on my list!"<p>

And Javert gagged Valjean, who woke up with a start,  
>And he tied him, and dragged him away towards his cart,<br>But turned around fast, as he heard a small noise,  
>And the girl he saw there almost shattered his poise!<p>

Javert had been caught by Valjean's little daughter  
>Who'd got out of bed for a cup of cold water.<br>She stared at Javert and said, "Santy Claus, why,  
><em>Why<em> are you taking my daddy, sir? WHY?"

But, you know, that Javert was so smart and so slick,  
>He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!<br>"He's just testing my ropes," the fake Santy Claus lied.  
>"I'm afraid they will break, which is why he is tied.<br>There are more cords to test in my workshop, my dear,  
>So he'll help me up <em>there<em>. Then I'll bring him back _here_."

And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted her head  
>And he got her a drink and he sent her to bed.<br>And when little Cosette went to bed with her cup,  
>HE went to the chimney and shoved Valjean up.<p>

Then he made a quick search  
>In the ash from their fire.<br>Then he went up the chimney himself, the old liar,  
>Having found not a thing but some small bits of wire.<p>

And the one scrap of bread  
>That was swiped in the house<br>Was a miniscule crumb that was filched by a mouse.

Then  
>He searched all around,<br>Near the neighboring houses,  
>Finding not even crumbs<br>Snatched by next door's small mouses!

It was quarter past dawn  
>With Cosette still abed<br>And the maid still a-snooze  
>When he packed up his sled,<br>Packed it up with Valjean, gagged and snug in his bindings,  
>And the wire-bits that made up his sole other findings.<p>

"Now, off we will go, to the cops at the station,"  
>He said, without even a small hesitation.<br>"And now, I know how those poor beggars are feeling!  
>They're figuring out that Valjean has been stealing!<br>They're just waking up! I know _just_ what they'll do!  
>Their mouths will hang open a minute or two,<br>Then the beggars in Paris will all cry BOO-HOO!

"And that proof could be final,"  
>He said with a sneer.<br>So he paused. And Javert put a hand to his ear.  
>And he <em>did<em> hear a sound rising over the snow.  
>It started in low. Then it started to grow…<p>

But the sound wasn't _sad_!  
>Why, this sound sounded <em>merry<em>!  
>It <em>couldn't<em> be so!  
>But it WAS merry! Very!<p>

He stared down at Paris!  
>Javert popped his eyes!<br>Then he shook!  
>What he saw was a shocking surprise!<p>

All the beggars in Paris, the young and the old,  
>Were smiling, each one with a coin in their hold!<br>Valjean HADN'T stolen things!  
>QUITE THE REVERSE!<br>Somehow, he'd still fattened each beggar's purse!

And Javert, with his feet icy-cold in the snow,  
>Stood puzzling and puzzling: How <em>could<em> it be so?  
>Valjean was a convict, corrupt to the end!<br>So why had he striven so hard to pretend?  
>And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.<br>_Then_ Javert thought of something he hadn't before.  
>"Maybe convicts," he thought, "really <em>can<em> be reformed!  
>Could it be that Valjean has been truly transformed?"<p>

And what happened _then…?  
><em>Well…in Paris they say  
>That Javert's tiny heart<br>Grew three sizes that day!  
>And the minute his heart didn't feel so constricted,<br>He promised Valjean he would not be convicted.  
>They returned for a feast with the beggars, instead,<br>And he—  
>HE, <em>JAVERT<em>—  
>Doled out holiday bread!<p>

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><p><strong>AN:**

**I hope you enjoyed my fun Christmas-y farce,**  
><strong>And I hope you don't think that the humor was sparse.<strong>  
><strong>Please drop a review in my inbox to tell<strong>  
><strong>If you thought this was awful, or if I did well!<strong>

**(Oh, yes, and please note that usage of words/phrases such as "Santy Claus" and "mouses" are intentional-I was following the original as much as possible, and those are "Seuss-isms" :D So no reviews correcting those things, all right?)**


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